Heavy Heart

The last few days I've been walking around with a heavy heart, almost in a cloud of sorts. Part of it I know has to do with my grandfather's death and the planning we're doing right now for his memorial. I have been going through pictures and it's bittersweet. I love seeing his smiling face and remembering all the memories we made, but I'm so sad because he should still be here making memories with us. I don't know how much longer I expected to him live, he was 86 after all, but I know I wasn't ready for it when it happened. I guess you're never really ready for it though. And I've realized how much I didn't know about him. Like I never knew he won a bronze star in WWII. None of us knew, not even my grandmother. How did we not know that? He never told us, but we never really asked about that time either. I wish he had told us more stories and I wish I would have listened better when he did.

But honestly, it's more than that. In the last week, I've read about two babies in the same blogging community that passed away. One, a little boy, only a few weeks younger than Jack passed away from SIDS. The other, a little girl just past her first birthday died from cronic lung disease and pnuemonia. I am so sad for these families and of course it makes me think about my own kids. I go check on them when they're sleeping just to see that rise and fall of their chests. You see, we were thisclose to being one of those families. And I know the memories that will never leave me. The way I found Samantha that day, completely unresponsive. Watching the EMTs set up the equivilent of a mini ER on my dad's living room floor. Not being allowed to ride in the ambulance with her. Being met by the chaplain at the hospital. Watching a RT hand pump oxygen into her little body because she couldn't breath on her own. Knowing that they moved the rest of my family into a special waiting room and told them to be prepared to expect the worse. Having to leave my little girl, just 15 months old, because they wouldn't let me ride on the plane when she was airlifted, not knowing if I'd ever see her alive again. Having nurses waiting on you because they were afraid you might miscarry the baby you were carrying. The thought of losing two babies in the same day? Unimaginable, and yet here we were. Although all the signs pointed to it from the beginning, we were in such a fog, we didn't see it. Or we didn't want to believe it - she wasn't supposed to make it. They didn't believe she would make it. The doctors told us as much. And yet she did. Our little miracle.

I never believed in the power of prayer before that night. But as the doctors told us, there was one exact turning point, when she took her first breath on her own. No explination for what changed. For what allowed her start breathing on her own again. So I can only believe it was all of her guardian angels, those who had left us too soon, making sure my little girl made it. There were so many divine interventions that night that I can't believe any different. And for all of those people who helped us that night - from the staff at the hospital, to the prayer groups that were formed for her and most especially our family, I am forever and eternally greatful.

I still have my beautiful girl. She is a thriving 5 year old who's milestones I've gotten to witness. Who's future I'll be able to experience. Yet those memories still haunt me. I have to wonder, how these other parents go on? I am utterly amazed at the strength and courage they have. Because no parent should ever have to experience that kind of loss. So today, my heart goes out those families who have had to say goodbye to a child.

We're 3 for 3

That's 3 sick chicklets in 3 weeks. Lu had it two weeks ago, Jack last week and Sam yesterday. What a way to spend Spring Break. Luckily, it has been short lived for all of them and Sam seems to be feeling better today - but I had hoped it was going to skip her all together. Now all I can do is knock on wood that is skips Nacho & I. Besides not wanting to be sick at all, we're heading out of town this weekend and I'd really like us all to be able to enjoy it.

My baby boy is growing up

Jack turned 4 months old a little over a week ago and had his doctor appointment today. He's getting big, although not quite as big as we thought he'd be, given his birth weight. Today, he weighed 15lbs 7oz, was 25 3/4 in long & had a head circ. of 17.5 in. Ok, so his head is big - just like his sisters! What can I say, he comes by it naturally. He is actually pretty long and his doctor assured me that his less than expected weight gain was easily explainable from the stomach virus my poor little guy had last week. He's actually the smallest of the three at this age, which is funny since we was the largest by far at birth. But if he ends up long and lean like his sisters, it's not a bad thing. I will be interested to see if he stays on this same growth curve at 6 months or if the stomach virus really was the cause.

As far as the doctor appointment itself, it went great. Jack is reaching all of his milestones, some even early. He's still very strong for his age. Luckily, the flattening of his head had completely corrected itself, much to my relief! We got the ok to start baby food - we had already started rice & oatmeal and he loves both of them. He did get 3 shots, but didn't cry until the last one and even then it was only for 15 seconds. His legs are tender and I can tell he isn't a completely happy camper, but he's sleeping it off now, so hopefully he'll wake up happier.

He goes back at 6 months and I can't believe we'll already be through half of his first year. I seriously can't believe how fast the time is going.

Out of the mouths of babes

We've some pretty interesting conversation in our house the last few days. Here are two of the funniest, in my opinion.

The girls and I were discussing their Princess sheets (what else would they have?) and I was telling them how much I liked them and I wished I could have some, but that I didn't think Daddy would like them. Lu was telling me of course he would and I should get some and Sam says the following:
"No, you can't have princess sheets because you and Daddy are a girl and a boy". She went on to list the following requirements*:
"If you're a girl and a boy and share a bed you have to have leaf sheets.
If you're a boy and a boy and share a bed you have to have tree sheets.
If you're a girl and girl and share a bed you have to have apple tree sheets.
If you're a girl and have your own bed OR a little girl you can have princess sheets.
If you're a boy and have your own bed OR a little boy you can have......"

She wasn't able to finish her thought before Lu started yelling "Spiderman, Spiderman. If you're a little boy you have Spiderman sheets." Guess I know what kind of sheets Jack should be expecting.

*no idea where she got the requirements or that she knew anything about boy/boy or girl/girl (although I don't really think she does).

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The girls and I were discussing Jack's doctor's appointment and Lu asked me if he was going to have to get shots again and I said yes. She said what I thought was "I want to be a baby doctor". I repeated "baby doctor?" and said "No, baby talker. Somebody who talks to the babies when they get their shots so they don't cry." Aww. Sam then asks me if I want to know what she wants to be when she grows up, so I say sure. Her list is "a soccer player, an underwater swimmer player, a summer ballet player, a gymnastics player and a go to work with Daddy player!" She's going to be busy, lol.

In Loving Memory

Gerald S. Mickle Jr.
March 20, 1923 - April 5, 2009

We didn't just lose a grandfather, we lost a very good friend. You will forever be in our hearts.

I Need Sleep

I am so tired right now I can't think straight. I have been home a total of 3 evenings in the last two weeks - the others being spent at the hospital and taking care of my grandmother. Last night was one of those nights I was home. I decided to get to bed early to try to catch up on some much needed sleep. My children had had other ideas. Here is how our night went:
10pm - I went to sleep
11:45pm - Lu gets sick for the first time (which involves sheet changes, bath, laundry, etc)
1am - Jack wants a pacifier
2am - Lu gets sick for the 2nd time
3am - Sam wakes up with a nightmare
3:30am - Sam gets up and wants to know why Lu's light is on
4am - Jack wants a pacifier
5am - Lu gets sick for a 3rd time
6:50am - alarm goes off

If there is a silver lining to this, it's that my children are easily comforted - replace a paci, retuck in, etc. Unlike them, and my husband though, I can't fall right back to sleep the minute my head hits the pillow. Lu is home from school and seems to be feeling better, which I am thrilled with. However I was hoping to sneak a short nap with Lu in while the baby napped but apparently Lu has other plans because she's having a hard time sitting still long enough to rest. I'm sure I'll sleep sometime.

When I got to school to drop Sam off, there was a police officer in the circle telling us we couldn't stop there even though we have parking passes from the school saying we can. Luckily the teacher came out and explained to him the situation and he said we're all fine. But by then I was so flustered I walked away with the tution check still in my pocket - hopefully I will remember to give it to them at pick-up.

And I still have a very emotional meeting later today with a hospice nurse to discuss the options for a very dear loved one. I don't have the time or energy to update on this right now, but I will at some point.

I think I may need to pin a tag to myself that says "if found, please return to...."