Weird feeling

A friend of mine had a baby yesterday and I couldn't be more thrilled for her. But in the pit of my stomach I have this weird feeling.....envy. And I honestly can't figure out why. I don't remember ever feeling this way before. Maybe it's because I'm in the process of packing away more of the clothes Jack has outgrown and I know half of his first year is almost done. Or because I'm trying to decide what to do with all of my maternity clothes and the girls' baby clothes that are taking up room in the garage.

We had a great weekend, only possible given the ages of our kids now. Jack is sleeping through the night and on a definite schedule. The girls are at ages where they're more independent. I don't want to go back to sleepless nights. Yet there is something so exciting and new about those first few days with your new baby. The excitement and anticipation of labor. Which is odd, because I remember how miserable I was towards the end of my pregnancies and I have hard, long & difficult labors. But I always looked forward to them.

I always thought I would have that "done" feeling people talk about. But I don't. Yet I can't say I know I want another one either. When people ask me if we're done, I honestly say I don't know. Because I am thrilled with the family I have. But I was also thrilled as a family of 4 and now I couldn't imagine not having Jack as a part of it. I know I'm not ready for another now, but how do you know you're done? So maybe it's the limbo I'm feeling right now that has brought on these feelings. Knowing that my family is truly complete as it is, but knowing there is room in all our hearts to add to it.