Saturday, July 17, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

I just want to take a moment to wish my husband a very happy anniversary. 11 years ago today I married my best friend. The one I laugh with, live for, love. It has been an amazing journey so far and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

5 years

Five years ago today was the worst day of our lives. It was the day we almost lost Samantha. For us, 5 years isn't really any different than 4 years was or 6 years will be. It will be a day that will stay with us forever. But 5 years is a milestone of sorts. Today is the day Samantha is no longer considered medically high risk.

And while that is amazing, it doesn't really change anything for us. To us, she will always be considered high risk. I don't think you can ever come that close to losing your child and ever feel that things are normal. I've talked about what happened to her one or two times before, but never in one full story, so I'm going to try to do that now. I'm not sure how I'll do, since I can't think about that day with crying, but I'll try. I can tell you, it will be a mix of jumbled thoughts and I'm sure I will leave out some important facts.

That day started out as any other. We were up visiting my dad and stepmom and decided to go out to lunch and then to see Burney Falls. Samantha seemed fine, ate like normal and was in a good mood. After we returned to their house, I put her down for her nap and went to talk to my grandmother. We listened to her talk over the monitor for awhile and eventually she quieted down, with me assuming she had finally fallen asleep. Which she may have. A while later my sister came over with her 3 kids and I decided it was time to get Samantha up to play with her cousins.

What I found when I walked in, I will never forget. Her neck was at the most awkward angle, her eyes were open but rolled back and she was barely breathing. Thinking maybe she had somehow broken her neck, I called for Nacho who came running. He picked her up and told me to call 911. Somewhere between the bedroom and the phone I panicked and I walked into the kitchen and asked my stepmom to "please help me." She says it was the combination of the look on my face and the tone of my voice that made her realize she needed to call 911 - thank God she did. By this time, Nacho had brought her out to the family room where we gathered around her and waited for the paramedics to get there. She was still barely breathing. I'm sure it was only a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity before they got there and when they did it became a world-wind of activity. The equivalent of an emergency room triage was set up on their family room floor while all I could do was look on helplessly. When it came time to transport her, they wouldn't let us ride with her. I don't why they changed their minds, but they finally agreed to let Nacho ride, but up front. It wasn't until we had time to rethink the events of the day that we realized the reason they wouldn't let us ride in back with her, or me at all, was because they didn't think she'd make it to the hospital. Something to remember - I was 6 months pregnant with Lexi at the time.

My dad drove me over the hospital and I remember when I walked up to the desk to tell them that my daughter had been brought in by ambulance, they told me she already had a family member with her. My dad lost it on the guy and I was immediately shown back. Right as I saw her for the first time, my little baby hooked to up wires and tubes and a bed way too big for her, I was met by the chaplain. I knew it couldn't be good. I wasn't in a place to be able to talk to her - I needed to find out what was going on with Samantha, so my dad talked to her. By this point the rest of the family had arrived and she put them in a special waiting room in the ER and told them to expect the worse and to be prepared to catch us. Again, they didn't think our little girl would make it.

My family is amazing and phone calls were made, prayer groups were started and even though Nacho and I were alone in that ER with Samantha, we had a world of people fighting right beside us. A world of people who, in that moment, loved our daughter like their own.

Most of that night is a blur to me, but there are things that stick out so clearly. I remember the respiratory therapist hand pumping air into her little body for hours because she was unable to regulate her own breathing. I remember the nursing staff trying desperately to get me to eat something - because they were terrified I would lose Samantha and then in turn lose the baby I was carrying. I remember when they wanted to run the CT Scan and we asked what that would show them and their response was they wanted to rule out a brain tumor, how my husband, who had been my rock up until that point, dropped to his knees like he had been sucker punched. And in a way he had. I have never doubted Nacho loves for any of our children, but it was in the moment where I truly understood a father's love. I remember our baby girl turned 16 months old, in an ER, far from home, hooked up to more tubes and machines than I could count.

Eventually, they got her stable enough for transport to a PICU. Unfortunately, that hospital didn't have one, so it meant they were going to have to airlift her. After much paperwork and insurance issues and many changed transport hospitals, it was decided she would be transported to Kaiser Oakland. They of course wouldn't let me fly with her because I was pregnant. They didn't want to let Nacho fly either, but I begged them to let him go and they finally agreed with one major stipulation. He was not allowed to get out of his seat no matter what happened. Again, they weren't sure she'd make it. Later in those quiet nights next to her bed in the PICU, Nacho finally told me he didn't want me to fly with her because if something had happened to that plane, he would have lost his whole world.

As Nacho waited with Sam for the flight details to be worked out, I left to start the 4 hour drive down to Oakland with my dad. I still don't know how I walked out of that hospital not knowing if I would ever see her alive again, but I knew I was doing it for her. It was a quiet drive down for us, with me mostly lost in my own thoughts and the what-ifs. About half-way through our drive, Nacho called to say they were still at the hospital because they were having a hard time finding the right size intubation tube for her (I'm not sure why they were changing it out since she had been intubated since her arrival in the ER), but that for a brief moment, while she was extubated, she woke up, she recognized Nacho and she said "dada." The first moment where we had hope our little girl would be ok.

As it was, my dad made record time and we beat the airlift down there. Finally they arrived and she was whisked right up to the PICU. By the time they let me in, they were getting ready to do a final extubation, but warned us they might have to intubate again right away. To our sweet relief, our little girl who hadn't been able to breath on her for hours, was breathing regular, sweet breaths. That night they ran a multitude of tests and about 5am, finally made me go lay down in the parents' room. I think I lasted 45 minutes before I was right back at her side. After 3 days, as the tests were coming back clean, they finally decided she could be moved to the pediatric floor. And by the time she got there, she had her spunk back! What a sweet sight for us. After a total of a week in the hospital, she was released. She was on medication for a year and is now a thriving, happy 6 year old. We never did get any answers to why this happened, but they tell us that's better because it's more likely to be a one time thing.

We later learned that she was down to 3 breaths a minute when she admitted to the ER. We learned her seizure never stopped on it's own and that it lasted over 2 hours before they were able to medically stop it. We learned that the ER doctor didn't know if was a seizure and took her best guess. We learned that had I found her 10 minutes later, we would have lost her.

So here were are 5 years later, finally able to not let this consume us. But still ever so aware of what happened and still so eternally grateful for the people who where there with us. I've thanked them all before, but when they are a part of the fight to save your daughter's life, I don't think you can ever thank them too much. So to my dad, my stepmom, my grandmother, my sisters and my brother-in-law - thank you for being there that night and holding us. For having the answers when we didn't. For thinking of the small, but important things, like driving our car down to the hospital for us. For being strong for us, when we knew your hearts were breaking into a million pieces as well. To my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, who drove to three different hospitals while they were trying to figure out where they were airlifting to her to - thank you for being the rock that Nacho so desperately needed and I couldn't be for him. To my brother-in-law and sister-in law, thank you for driving all the way down to the hospital, even when you knew you wouldn't be able to see Samantha, just to sit with us for a few minutes. You have no idea how nice it was to see familiar faces. To my uncle, aunt, cousin and his wife - thank you for coming to see us. Thank you for bringing us our first taste of non-hospital food and thank you for sitting for hours with us as we held our baby girl. Thank you to my mom, who stayed overnight with Samantha, who held her tight all night, even when Sam had leaked out of her diaper, for being there for me, so I could get some sleep to continue to safely grow the baby I was carrying. To the hospital staff at both locations - thank you for taking care of our girl and for fighting for her life like we would have. To our other family and friends...and strangers - thank you for your love, your understanding, your prayers and your fight to save our little girl's life. We are eternally grateful for all of you.

5 years....it can be a a lifetime.



Sunday, June 20, 2010

To My Husband On Father's Day

(I'd like to take credit for this, but I stole it from a card)

"Home"

We've rushed out the door
countless late Monday mornings
and waltzed in on many
a soft, moonlit night.

We've watched as first steps
became first days of school,
with our arms letting go
but our hearts holding tight.

We've welcomed in memories,
their lovelight and laughter
lingering on in a sweet afterglow.

And we've said some good-byes,
amazed how time flies
since that "JUST YOU AND ME"
of so long ago.

Together we've seen how
the seasons have changed,
but one thing remains
so steady and true...

Here at the HEART of
this life that we've made
is my comfort, my "HOME,"
my happiness....you.

Happy Father's Day!

Our children are so lucky to have you as their father and I am so lucky to have you as my partner on this crazy journey called parenting.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

So Much Going On....


Before I forget here is a picture of my Bug at her preschool graduation. We are so incredibly proud of her!

Summer has been a busy one so far and it doesn't seems like it will let up anytime soon. So much for this being the time for us to relax! In the 1.5 weeks the girls have been off, they've had swim lessons, a cheer uniform fitting, their big ballet show, their final t-ball game and multiple birthday parties. But I like being busy, so I guess it's ok.

But it hasn't all been a great either. Sunday morning, I woke up and logged onto Facebook, only to read that another high school classmate of mine had died. And it's something I just can't wrap my head around. Apparently, he was hit head on when another drive veered into his lane. This man was so talented and to know that we never hear that beautiful voice sing again is really hard to stomach. Matthew Trombetta, you will be remembered.

While it's so hard to understand why another great life was taken way too early, it is of some comfort to know that with death comes new life. And we're celebrating that around here big time.

We welcomed new life as my best friend gave birth to her son, Ethan David. This adorable little chuck arrived weighing 9lbs 9oz (and since she's my best friend I can tell you she did it all natural! - way to go Mama!) and 21.5 inches long. I got to spend some time with them on Friday and we're going to see them again today. I couldn't be happier for them!

And I think it's now safe to say that my brother and his wife are expecting their first baby on Halloween. Such an exciting time for them....and I get to be an aunt again!

For me, all it takes is looking in the face of my sweet children to know that everything will be ok.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

There Are Still Good People In This World!

When we lost our camera on Monday I was devastated. I tried not to be because I know Nacho was beating himself up over it and I didn't want to make him feel worse. But I was. I was upset we had lost all of our pictures and I was upset that somebody else had all of our pictures. You never know who might want to do what with those pictures.

In the camera case, I had a friends' business card and I kept hoping that the person who found it would get in touch with them. After all, we had called the ball park and the parking garage and neither had seen it - so somebody had to have picked it up. Most of the week went by and there was no word, so I had honestly given up hope. We would never see those pictures of our weekend in Tahoe or the videos of Jack's wacky dance. We went to the store and bought a new camera because all who know me know I could not be without one.

And then today, I got an email from my friend and our camera had been found! And it's being mailed back to us on Monday. So I'll give until Wednesday before I absolutely believe the following, but for now it's really nice to know there are still good people in this world. People who could look at the pictures and realize they were some family's memories. Memories of when their children were small.

Life is good!

And I will get graduation pictures up soon. As you all know, life didn't stop just because I couldn't document it.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Perfect Memorial Day Weekend With The Not So Perfect Ending

This weekend was going to be an easy one for us. One with no commitments and no real plans, except to attend the Giants game on Monday. Last Friday, I was in the middle of utter (but happy) chaos with the preschool's volunteer breakfast, some PTA commitments, followed by the big school's volunteer luncheon and early dismissal for all, when Nacho called me and wanted to know if we'd want to use his bosses' time-share in Tahoe for the weekend.

Um, yes!!!!!!

He was a bit shocked by my answer since my type-A personality likes to be able to plan things and this was going to be throw random things in the suitcase and hope I remembered underwear for all (I did, btw). As were sitting in holiday traffic, I was starting to regret my decision and silently wondered if staying home might have been the better choice. But then the traffic let up, we started seeing snow and smelling the crisp air and I knew we had made the right decision. I knew it even more when we pulled up to resort and I saw how gorgeous it was. And we were even spoiled to get a suite! We had a picnic at the lake, drove around the entire lake, went swimming and just enjoyed some quiet downtime as a family. It was a much needed trip for us. And come on, where else can you swim with snow-capped mountains in the back.

We came home Sunday and went the Giants game and even though they lost, we had a ton of fun. The girls got slide down the big Coke bottle slide, we finally got to walk around the entire stadium and Lexi got a bag of cotton candy just about as tall as she is! It was perfect.

It wasn't until we got home and were going to look at our pictures that we realized our camera was missing. With all of our pictures from the weekend (and some before that) on it. Nacho started beating himself up because he felt responsible, I started beating myself up because I had been to tired to download the pictures from Tahoe when we got home Sunday night. And I did the only thing I know how to do in these situations - I burst into tears. The most frustrating part is we know we had it when we got up from our seats, so it's between there and the parking garage we lost it (or possibly had it stolen in heard of us exiting the game), but we can't pinpoint where. The parking garage hasn't seen it and the park will only get back to us if they find it.

I woke up this morning with a different perspective on the situation though. I still hope somebody is kind enough to return it to us, but if not, it's just a thing. It's a few weeks worth of pictures in a lifetime of memories. And as I told Nacho, we came home with all 3 kids, so if we had to lose something, better the camera, right?....

And today we are on to more important things.....our little girl graduated from preschool today! Pictures to follow soon.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Yet Another Recall

I want my kids safe. So I'm happy they are recalling defective products. What I'm not happy about it that they aren't being made safely to begin with and that some are being recalled years after they were made.

Right before I had Jack I happened to see in a magazine that the bassinet we were going to use had been recalled due to a strangulation hazard. The same bassinet that we had bought 5 years earlier and had used with both girls. Thank God they survived!

Then a month ago, all of our kids medication got recalled. Too bad we had already used most of it!

Then yesterday I stumble upon yet another recall...this time for the crib. What's weird about this is the recall was issued over a month ago and I never heard about it. Sure, I had heard about the drop side crib recall, but this was one related to the mattress support. And the problems started in 2008 when a boy died when the support broke and he suffocated. The recall was in April 2010 - that is a full two years after that happened. How can they wait two years? We would have never used that crib for Jack. But yet another unsafe product all my kids have used.

I do have to say after much run around with the stores where we bought these products (except for the medicine - Costco took it back without a problem), we were finally issued full refunds in the form of store credits for them.

It's getting to the point where I feel like I can't let my kids play with anything, eat anything, sleep in anything. I'd wrap them in bubble wrap, but that would probably get recalled too.