Last week marked 4 years since we almost lost Samantha. And I realized the anniversary had passed after a friend posted something on Facebook about working in the PICU. Hearing, or reading in this case, the word PICU always brings me back to Samantha's stay there. But the significance of all of this right now - the date passed by as any other day would. For the first time I didn't wake up with a pit in my stomach remembering each and every moment of that day four years ago. Don't get me wrong, I still remember that day on a daily basis, but the date itself didn't overwhelm me. There are some things we still haven't been able to bring ourselves to do, even though we realize how irrational they are - like going back to Burney Falls. It's where we were before that day took such a terrible turn. And it's beautiful. I want to show all my kids...but we're just not ready yet. Baby steps for now and hopefully some day.
But I did realize something over the weekend. How overprotective I am of her...actually of all my children. Yes, I said it - overprotective. And maybe I'd be this way even if we hadn't come so close to losing her....but I don't know how else to be. I do realize I have to start letting her be her own person and learn things for herself. Every once a while the song lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You" go through my head and while the song has a different meaning, I'm reminded that I don't want Samantha to carry the same fears I have for her.
"Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt."
I'm learning every day that she is stronger than I give her credit for, but no matter how old she gets, she will still be my baby fighting for her life on a hospital bed that looked 100x too big for her.
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You are a strong woman, and realizing that she has to spread her wings a bit is huge on your part...and admirable. I can't imagine how that must have felt, but you have raised beautiful, STRONG children, and for that they will forever be blessed. They are a true reflection on you as their mother, and as much as it hurts, it will help her grow to let her go...just a teeny tiny bit :). Teeny tiny. :)
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